she smelled like a LAN party
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
