Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
