somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
