someone threw a dead crab at me
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
