I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
