Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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