i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
