no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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