I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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