Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
