Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
