a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
