I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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