Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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