I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
