Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
