I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
