I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
