My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
