By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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