She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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