he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I need to calm my uterus...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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