he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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