Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
