I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I have fence marks all over my body
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
