You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
