Your tits are I can't wait for
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
