for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
