you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
