Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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