i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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