My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
