so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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