I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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