I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
