I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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