I accidentally had phone sex last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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