The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
