When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
