It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
