I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
