she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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