she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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