its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
