I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
