so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
