I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
