he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
