Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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