I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
