You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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