I wish I could punch you in the face.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
