the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
